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The Amazing Discovery Of Dr Ivan Perot

By Terry Joseph
Feb 1999

IT MAY SOON become equally comfortable for the average male chicken and chips lover to ask for "a two-piece" at either a fast-food outlet, or in a ladies swimwear store, if the latest finding of specialist physician, Dr Ivan Perot,turns out to be true.

Even after several readings of an article carried on the front-page of Tuesday's Guardian, it remains difficult to categorise Dr Perot's amazing discovery as either "original" or "spicy", since his finding contains elements of both conditions.

In the article, Dr Perot said he believes that frequent ingestion of "chicken and chips might explain why local men who are not gay, are becoming more and more effeminate in appearance, if not in behaviour also." He blamed the antibiotics and mainly female hormones (oestrogen), which are used to promote growth in the birds, for this noticeable transformation.

That, my dear friends, is hardly original. But here is where it takes wings: If Dr Perot's information is sound, it certainly supplies us with the long-awaited explanation of cross-dressing

by football star, Dwight Yorke. It seems that the otherwise virile-looking young man, simply had one snack-box too many and the oestrogen went wild.

It may also answer why Yorke was said to be uninterested in the bucket of tender breasts, thighs and legs available at the orgy and opted for more succulent nibbles. But it is not just the risk of males developing limp-wrists that Dr Perot addresses in his latest paper. Women, it would seem, are equally at risk from the ravages of Colonel Sanders and other outwardly harmless old men.

In a finding based on an exhausting study comprising "two television clips of The Bally Total Fitness competition," which he saw on ESPN, Dr Perot, who wears thick glasses, claims that "every woman in that programme could have easily been mistaken for a man. There was little or no breast tissue to begin with and their movements were totally and absolutely masculine."

It may surprise Dr Perot to discover that some women who grew up on curry crab and dumplings also look and behave much the same way and have sprouted chest hairs. Frankly, being somewhat old-fashioned, I would have hoped that Dr Perot was able to supply evidence that included years of research and references to certified papers from reputable institutions.

But it seems that medical science has so advanced nowadays, that a certifiable specialist need only catch part of an episode of a television programme, in order to detect significant anthropological changes in man's evolutionary process and determine the causes thereof.

Dr Perot said in the article that he does not believe that every man was meant to be a ballerina, nor was every woman meant to be a weightlifter.

Now, he did not really need to confuse his very important work with this inane theory, since it is already widely believed; but if the integrity of his more profound argument remains intact and it is proven that eating fried chicken will change studs into sissies, then men folk just better watch their nuggets.

In fact, we may be in for some very unpleasant surprises, if only because Dr Perot failed to indicate (as is normal for such intense studies) whether the physiological changes he discovered were gradual, or would manifest swiftly after reaching some crucial level of accumulation in the human body.

To take the latter consideration, the very next drumstick that milady so much as bites could grow outdoor plumbing. In the same context, there may be a market in training-bras for men who frequently pig out on fast food.

The Carnival band, Legends, could find itself in huge difficulties, if members continue to eat the dreaded bird. Their strong-men and rude-girls sections could be indistinguishable by the time the festival is upon us.

Among the wider global considerations would be unisex washrooms at fast-food outlets and appropriately worded signage to alert patrons to the possible hazards of buying a wing and fries. Ideally, such a sign should read:

"Warning Check Breast Size Before and After Eating".

In the event you find any of this a tad dismissive of the doctor's obviously extensive research project, let me tell you that I have been familiar with his theories since 1967, when he emerged or rather, imposed himself on the political scene; as leader of a hopeless outfit called the Liberation Action Party (Lap).

The party, which sought to contest a serious general election, had as its slogan "Its Lap or the Cemetery" which, with the benefit of hindsight, probably meant that he had been working on the chicken and chips theory since that time.

For his major campaign strategy, Dr Perot took out whole page advertisements in the Sunday newspapers; comparing himself with Dr Eric Williams and making the point in the headline, that he was far better-looking than the then Prime Minister; an easy-to-prove fact, which he offered as a reason to vote for him.

Needless to say his campaign was considered unfinished and hopeless. While there are similarities, the same is not exactly true in the instant case. In the chicken and chips example, Dr Perot's findings include a remedial formula. The article quotes him as prescribing "a good curry-goat dhalpourie" to stem the speed at which men will assume pansy proportions or women grow hard and hairy.

But don't laugh him away. Dr Perot has proven himself to be a resilient fellow, so like any good politician, when the initial attempt to discredit KFC flops, he may soon declare that he has a plan B. That too may consist of "not a single action, but many things," presumably including sahina, Katchouri and doubles.

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