Copyright © 2002 Terry Joseph
The Amazing Discovery Of Dr Ivan Perot
By Terry Joseph
IT MAY SOON become
equally comfortable for the average male chicken and chips lover to ask for "a
two-piece" at either a fast-food outlet, or in a ladies swimwear store, if the
latest finding of specialist physician, Dr Ivan Perot,turns out to be true.
Even after several
readings of an article carried on the front-page of Tuesday's Guardian, it
remains difficult to categorise Dr Perot's amazing discovery as either
"original" or "spicy", since his finding contains elements of both
In the article, Dr
Perot said he believes that frequent ingestion of "chicken and chips might
explain why local men who are not gay, are becoming more and more effeminate in
appearance, if not in behaviour also." He blamed the antibiotics and mainly
female hormones (oestrogen), which are used to promote growth in the birds, for
this noticeable transformation.
That, my dear friends, is hardly original. But here is where it
takes wings: If Dr Perot's information is sound, it certainly supplies us with
the long-awaited explanation of cross-dressing
by football star, Dwight Yorke. It seems that the otherwise
virile-looking young man, simply had one snack-box too many and the oestrogen
It may also answer
why Yorke was said to be uninterested in the bucket of tender breasts, thighs
and legs available at the orgy and opted for more succulent nibbles. But it is
not just the risk of males developing limp-wrists that Dr Perot addresses in his
latest paper. Women, it would seem, are equally at risk from the ravages of
Colonel Sanders and other outwardly harmless old men.
In a finding based on an exhausting study comprising "two
television clips of The Bally Total Fitness competition," which he saw on
ESPN, Dr Perot, who wears thick glasses, claims that "every woman in that
programme could have easily been mistaken for a man. There was little or no
breast tissue to begin with and their movements were totally and absolutely
It may surprise Dr
Perot to discover that some women who grew up on curry crab and dumplings also
look and behave much the same way and have sprouted chest hairs. Frankly, being
somewhat old-fashioned, I would have hoped that Dr Perot was able to supply
evidence that included years of research and references to certified papers from
But it seems that
medical science has so advanced nowadays, that a certifiable specialist need
only catch part of an episode of a television programme, in order to detect
significant anthropological changes in man's evolutionary process and
determine the causes thereof.
Dr Perot said in the
article that he does not believe that every man was meant to be a ballerina, nor
was every woman meant to be a weightlifter.
Now, he did not
really need to confuse his very important work with this inane theory, since it
is already widely believed; but if the integrity of his more profound argument
remains intact and it is proven that eating fried chicken will change studs into
sissies, then men folk just better watch their nuggets.
In fact, we may be in for some very unpleasant surprises, if only
because Dr Perot failed to indicate (as is normal for such intense studies)
whether the physiological changes he discovered were gradual, or would manifest
swiftly after reaching some crucial level of accumulation in the human body.
To take the latter consideration, the very next drumstick that
milady so much as bites could grow outdoor plumbing. In the same context, there
may be a market in training-bras for men who frequently pig out on fast food.
The Carnival band, Legends, could find itself in huge
difficulties, if members continue to eat the dreaded bird. Their strong-men and
rude-girls sections could be indistinguishable by the time the festival is upon
Among the wider
global considerations would be unisex washrooms at fast-food outlets and
appropriately worded signage to alert patrons to the possible hazards of buying
a wing and fries. Ideally, such a sign should read:
"Warning – Check
Breast Size Before and After Eating".
In the event you find
any of this a tad dismissive of the doctor's obviously extensive research
project, let me tell you that I have been familiar with his theories since 1967,
when he emerged – or rather, imposed himself – on the political scene; as
leader of a hopeless outfit called the Liberation Action Party (Lap).
The party, which sought to contest a serious general election, had
as its slogan "Its Lap or the Cemetery" which, with the benefit of
hindsight, probably meant that he had been working on the chicken and chips
theory since that time.
For his major campaign strategy, Dr Perot took out whole page
advertisements in the Sunday newspapers; comparing himself with Dr Eric Williams
and making the point in the headline, that he was far better-looking than the
then Prime Minister; an easy-to-prove fact, which he offered as a reason to vote
Needless to say his campaign was considered unfinished and
hopeless. While there are similarities, the same is not exactly true in the
instant case. In the chicken and chips example, Dr Perot's findings include a
remedial formula. The article quotes him as prescribing "a good curry-goat
dhalpourie" to stem the speed at which men will assume pansy proportions or
women grow hard and hairy.
But don't laugh him away. Dr Perot has proven himself to be a
resilient fellow, so like any good politician, when the initial attempt to
discredit KFC flops, he may soon declare that he has a plan B. That too may
consist of "not a single action, but many things," presumably including
sahina, Katchouri and doubles.
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